How to Merge Onto the Highway (For the First Time): A Manifesto for Change

First Suggestion:

Wait until you are ready. The first thing you need to know is that you do not have to merge onto the highway. Ever. There is always a different road you can take, a different person to drive you, or a different mode of transportation to get you where you need to go. With enough fear, you could probably go your entire life without ever merging onto the highway. 

It is my firm belief that you should never rush into doing something you don’t have to do. Before you merge, get your learner’s permit. Learn the difference between the gas and the brake. Get a feel for steering a vehicle. Safety is imperative, especially at 80mph, but comfort is arguably just as important. Figure out how you like your seat. Find your preferred radio station - more on this later. Discover your identity as a young driver - beyond the instruction of a dry textbook. Be sure you are able to answer these questions: are you a left lane driver or a right lane driver? Do you turn right on red? Do you take the faster, busier route or the slower, quieter route? Test your boundaries. Note that all of your lines will be crossed on the highway, so prepare for that too. 

Do not let anyone - not an instructor, not a parent, not a sibling or friend, force you to merge before you are ready. I did not merge until I had 20 hours of driving experience on rural and 2-lane roads. I was also terrified of driving, so my comfort zone took a long time to expand - but I did not merge until it did. 

I guess I mean to say that my intention is not to tell you how long to wait, nor to give you a list of skills you need to possess in order to merge. Merge when you are good and ready - no sooner. 

Second Suggestion: 

Set yourself up for success. Pick a good day to do it. Your first highway drive should not be during a blizzard in holiday traffic. Sunday mornings are great. A cloudy day with no rain is ideal. You won’t always be able to choose, especially if you live in an area with particularly bad weather or traffic, but try to pick a day that makes it easier, not harder. 

Choose the right shoes. Shoes are very important. When I drive, my foot does not touch the pedals, the rubber soles of my Adidas Sambas do. When you consider that the speed (or lack thereof) of a 4,000 pound vehicle rests on those two pedals, you begin to realize why success lies in shoewear. My driver’s ed teacher always told me no Uggs, no slippers, no sandals, no boots, no Crocs, no flip flops, etc. etc. etc. As much as I disliked my instructor, he was right about that one. Tennis shoes or sneakers work best. Pick shoes that fit, and make sure that they’re yours. Remember - this is your process, no matter who is barking commands from the passenger seat. You’re the one driving. 

Speaking of being the driver: in my car, the driver gets aux. I grew up on my mom’s alternative and my dad’s classic rock. Now, they suffer the wrath of my musical theater. Pick music that will put you at ease. Pick music that keeps the mood light. Nothing distracting, nothing too loud or bassy, and for the love of god don’t pick a song that makes you cry. Listening to coming-of-age music while coming-of-age is not a good idea. You can cry about the passage of time later - you need your eyes for this.

Pick the right passenger. My dad is calmer but far less patient. My mom freaks out, but only when it’s called for. My mom tells me my mistakes straight up, my dad can take a passive aggressive tone. My dad’s a better teacher, my mom’s a better hype woman. Ultimately, my mom was next to me my first time, but both have proved excellent highway passengers. This is not about picking your favorite parent (or grandma or uncle or cousin) - please don’t let them tell you that it is. This is about you, and about who will best support you through this milestone. 

Next, choose a car. Pick a car that you know how to drive. Today is not the day to try out your uncle’s Porsche. Drive a car that you have driven before, that you understand, and that you’re comfortable in. As cheesy as it may feel, think of the car as an extension of you. 

Finally, make sure that someone has explained the highway to you beforehand. Driver’s ed should have covered this. Understand the different lanes, what all of the signs mean, the speed limit vs what speed everyone actually travels at, etc. Know when you need to signal, where you need to speed up and how fast, what mirrors to look in and when and for how long, where you are getting on and where you plan to get off. The highway is not a classroom. Know your plan beforehand.

Please note that you could do all of these things and still crash. I am not saying that you will crash - please don’t crash. My point is instead that far too often, the scariest things in life happen outside of our control. The only thing you can control is you - so take advantage. 

Third Suggestion:

Don’t hesitate. Okay, you’re set up for success. You’re in the car. You’ve driven around for a while. Wipe off your sweaty palms, wipe any tears that may have fallen. You are as ready as you will ever be. Drive up to your on-ramp, and just keep going. 

Speed up, and keep speeding up. Our human intuition is that speed is dangerous, but the most dangerous thing you can do at this moment is hit the brakes. If you see an opportunity to slide between cars, take it. The highway is not forgiving. Lanes end - fast. My second or third time merging, I hesitated only for a second, missed my only chance, then just kept going onto the next off ramp. We were 30 minutes late to family Christmas. 

Trust yourself. You are capable of far more than you believe. Breathe, focus, and don’t lift your foot from the gas. Do not hesitate. You’ve got this. 

Fourth Suggestion:

Go with the flow. First of all, congratulations! You’ve merged! (Un?)fortunately, your journey is far from over. You are now traveling faster than you ever have. Do not slow down. You don’t need to be a left-lane driver, but understand that no one drives at the speed limit. If the signs say 60, go 70. As counterintuitive as it may feel, it is far, far safer to move with traffic. 

Some people do crazy things on the highway. Some crazy things happen to people on the highway. You will probably witness an accident. A car might pass you going 110 on a limit-70 road. As long as you are safe, don’t let it affect you. 

You will inevitably miss your exit at some point. Someone will honk at you. You will hesitate. The wrong song will come on the radio. Your father will yell “brake” a little too loud. You will try cruise control for the first time, it will drive you crazy, you will turn it off. It’s okay. Keep your foot firmly planted on the gas and your eyes fixed on the open road ahead of you. 

Fifth Suggestion

Keep Driving. Get off at your planned exit. Get to where you need to go. Wipe off your sweating palms. Massage your tight wrists and knuckles. I distinctly remember wanting a stick of gum after driving on the highway for the first time, and my hands were shaking so badly that I could not open the foil. 

If your first experience with highway driving is not a good one, that is okay. If your second, third, fourth, and seventh experiences with highway driving are not good ones, that is okay. It may not ever become fun (if you live in Chicago like me, it will never become fun), but it will become easier. The only way to get good at driving is to do it.

Each time that you emerge from the highway, you will find yourself a little lighter, a little older, a little smarter, a little better than before. You are on the cusp of discovering a whole new world - a world you have to merge to enter. Allow yourself to merge. Understand that nothing gets better if you don’t let it. You will not become a better driver until you allow yourself to be one. As the lines between past and future blur, the lines between lanes on the highway will not. Allow yourself to get used to life with a driver’s license in your phone case. Do not let your fear stop you from taking the leap. You will begin to realize that a fear ends the moment you face it - no sooner. You will begin to realize that merging onto the highway isn’t all that scary after all. You will begin to realize that you are capable of far more than you once thought. 

Take this knowledge with you. Keep driving. Don’t look back.