What if You Hadn’t

Watching them come home drunk almost every night saddens me. I feel such a relief the times they come home sober, but those reassurances only happen occasionally.

In 2014, we were visiting family in North Carolina. I had so much fun. Spending time with my cousins, doing what little kids do: try looking for cats, playing with our toys, playing hide and seek. Three days later, it was time for us to go home. We say our goodbyes and a sudden bittersweet feeling runs through me. I wish we had stayed longer.

I hadn’t realized this before, but they had been drinking all morning. I was young and didn’t know what alcohol could do to a person.

On the ride back home, my sister and I were sitting in the back seat. The windows were down and I remember feeling free as the gust of wind kept rushing down my face. I only felt free for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden, I felt no more wind. As I open my eyes, I see a flash of blue lights, and a siren so loud my ears felt like they were going to explode. I see a man walking up to the car. He asks for their license. The man goes towards the blue lights and I hug my sister. Although I had no idea of what was going on, I told her we were going to be okay. And we were… but they weren’t. I look back to see they had been arrested. Everything happened so quickly I didn’t realize what had happened. As soon as I knew it, the man said my aunt and uncle were coming to pick us up.

After being in jail for two days, having to pay a huge fine, and going to court you would think they learned their lesson. Unfortunately, no, and the worst part is, they still haven’t.

Two years ago, I remember walking my dog with them one night. I was only twelve. I remember telling them they need to stop drinking all the time, especially coming home drunk. “I don’t care if you drink when you’re at home, but as long as you’re drunk on the road, you’re putting not only your life in danger, but everyone else’s. Don’t be so selfish. You’re not the only one who could get hurt. You can end up killing a stranger loved by someone so dearly. I don’t want you to be at fault for that. I love you, and I care about you. If you want, I can find someone to help you.”

They did not like what I had said. It initiated an argument that my twelve year old self was not ready to fight. Their words hurt me. They had convinced me into thinking I was the bad guy and that I was trying to hurt them. But little did they know I only wanted them to be careful. “I don’t want to ever have to wonder what happened to you the day you don’t come home,” I cried. “But unfortunately, as long as you come home under the influence, that’s all I will ever think about: what if you hadn’t.”

A year later, I told one of my closest friends. “I understand where you’re coming from, but as much as you want to help them, it won’t work. They have to be willing to get help themselves,” she says. Through her words, I learned that she was right, I can’t control them. I know that they have an addiction that only they can fix themselves if they are willing to get the help they need.

Seeing them come home every night under the influence traumatized me. But just like I know I can’t force them to get help, I know that I can offer to give them rides now that I finally have my license.

I like to give them a ride to work on the weekends. It gives me a chance to spend more time with them. We like to listen to music and talk about how beautiful life is. And when I pick them up, I like to listen to the silence of nature. Because I know that if I say something, it could end up starting an argument. I think of how I am reducing the chances of them getting hurt, or them hurting someone else.

I promised myself that I will never be under the influence when driving. In fact, I told myself I will never want to try alcohol at all. I promised myself that I will never be like them. I don’t want to ever be responsible for having to worry my family with the same question they have always worried me with: what if you hadn’t.