Drivers in the Driver’s Seat, Aggressor or Victim

In my experience, most of the education received during driver’s education covers laws, regulations, and practical skills. It can help us understand defensive driving, hazards, speed limit restrictions, and the basics in conjunction with a partially controlled environment. It is critical for lower accident rates and reduced fatalities for young, inexperienced drivers and making sure the younger generations are capable of being functioning drivers when they are become licensed. However, some of these teenagers just zoom right through the standardization of it because they are so excited to just be on the road and have the freedom of driving on their own.

To reduce the number of deaths related to driving I like the idea of having both positive and negative reinforcements and a way to promote the right behaviors with deterring the ones that create risk, but the concept is almost impossible to manage with the limited work force. Perhaps it could evolve with more advancement of AI in the future to help cover more area instead of relying on the police force constantly. A few years ago, I read about the breathalyzers that can be installed on vehicles. It would not allow the vehicle to be started if the driver’s blood alcohol level was over the legal limit. Originally these were installed for severe cases of those caught and charged with driving under the influence, but these could come standard on all vehicles if the movement pushed that way. There could also be cell phone blockers in cars that prevent texts and calls while driving. However, I can see no cell phone reception becoming a hazard as well, if there was an accident and the phones did not work, or maybe if the cars were automated with something similar to crash detention but without the bill? That might be an idea. The current set up of hands-free calling and texting is great, but you can still disconnect your phone from the synch to the car and use it if you wanted to, causing distracted driving. There are also advancements where we do not have to drive, some cars drive themselves now. Although I am a little sketchy about the reaction times to other manual drivers, it might be the answer we need to avoid human-error based driving, but it still has some ways to go before it is wholly accepted as the standard. I also think it is important to cover “what if” scenarios during driver education. There are so many situations that occur on the road that are not covered in basic driver education, and while many of our reactions can come from experience overtime or through observing others, it can drastically impact our reaction time or understanding of the consequences of poor responses. For example, how to drive in down pours of rain, reacting to hydroplaning in real life and not just a power point presentation, driving in snow or ice, or even how to handle being cut off in traffic and avoid flying debris. While I think the standardized portion is imperative, I believe the education scope should also include the awareness of what can and has happened. It is important to make the educational piece more personal to their region, community, or school and how the accidents impacted and changed their life or the lives of their families and friends, insurance effects and the process of purchasing vehicles with financial implications. There should be more in-depth defensive driving skills in addition to offensive driving skills based on real-life scenarios so they understand when to use each of them, how to recognize when others are utilizing them and how to not abuse the offensive driving skills if and when they are needed. Sadly, there is not a community that has not been impacted by the loss of a loved one in relation to a car accident, and most times it is carelessness in their actions or the opposing driver. Anything can change in the blink of an eye.

Unfortunately, I have been involved in a few accidents as a passenger, and luckily mostly physical damage to the vehicle occurred. The first accident occurred when I was very young, maybe 5 or 6 years old. It was in the early 90’s and I was in the front seat while my mom was driving an older model, white Honda accord. Laws sure have changed in just a short time because riding in the front seat at that age in today’s day is unheard of. Someone pulled out in front of her while stopping at a light and she rear ended them. My air bag did not deploy, and I hit my face on the dashboard. I do not recall having any kind of repercussions from this accident, just the memory of a bloody nose and brief memories of my mom talking with the police officers while competing the report. The car was totaled, and I remember it sitting in our driveway with a crushed front end for a long time before it disappeared. We used to climb on it when we were playing outside. My next experience in an accident occurred when I was 17 (2005). My boyfriend at the time had the music blaring and was driving over the speed limit down a city side road. We were in a forest green two door, manual Saturn, when I mentioned there was a car stopping in front of us, he told me to shut up because he knew what he was doing, and I didn’t have my license yet. Shortly after that comment, we rear ended the car in front of us at 45 miles per hour. He was so wrapped up in the music he was blasting and having control over the situation to recognize what was going on. The air bag deployed, and I was only scathed with rug burn like abrasions on my hands, arms and face, general body soreness and of course, another bloody nose. After this incident, I developed a fear of being in the passenger seat with anyone who did not automatically press on their brakes the second the drivers in front of us hit their brakes and we saw brake lights come on. During these times, I would also gasp and immediately grip the door frame handle to brace for impact. This upset my mother a lot and she took it offensively instead of recognizing that it was a sign of post trauma. My next experience occurred with the same boyfriend (2007). I was four months pregnant, and we were in a silver two door, automatic dodge stratus, which at the time was the fanciest “sports” car my social circle had seen. He missed a turn while we were driving in the city and made an illegal U-turn after turning on a side road to turn around. In the middle of the U-turn, another driver was pulling out of a restaurant and hit us on my side of the car. Of course there was a flurry of panic, hospital trips, and family notifications. Thankfully, my baby and I turned out perfectly fine. Less than a year later, we had separated, and he flipped that car going around a sharp curve while driving drunk. Several years later, I was with my husband at the time (2015), and we had taken the day to ride the trails at a local national park. We were in his boss’s lifted trail truck with a couple we were friends with and my daughter who was now 8 years old. It was dark and we decided to go through one more easy trail before heading home. I was again, in the passenger seat and had started to realize he was drunk by the way he was behaving and driving. While I was pleading my case to allow me to drive, I also cautioned him about a tree (a really big tree) coming up in the curve at the end of the trail. He told me he saw it and then we hit it. So, did he really see it? Again, we all just had some bruises and shock, but the truck frame took most of the hit and so did the windshield. I had to drive it out of the park by leaning out of the window to see ahead of us. His boss had to drive an hour to our location and tow the truck home for repairs. I may be a horrible “backseat” driver, but I am acutely aware of the of my immediate life impeding situations and usually do not speak up until I feel it is necessary to do so and am grateful these incidents were minimal. Because of these situations, I had a really difficult time trying to teach my daughter how to drive when it came to start the process for her license. I could not sit in the passenger seat without periodically going into a panic state.

While I have a history of impacts, I have also been heartbroken by people I have lost due to car accidents over the years. During high school, I had a friend that made a poor decision to drive under the influence after a senior party. They hit a tree and passed away on impact. While I was upset, I was able to disassociate or suppress the impact and focus on supporting our friend circle for those who were much closer to him than I was. But in December of 2020, I had a very close friend and co-worker die during an accident because of being hit by a drunk driver. We used to talk every day. We would have deep meaningful discussions about life experiences and vent about work situations while giving each other advice and pumping each other up. I’d go out to concerts with her to support her photography hobby and we’d make dreamy travel plans to never be executed. She was my mentor when I first started my employment there and became like the older sister I never had. I remember sitting on my couch and receiving a phone call from one of our co-workers. She was frantic and screaming at me to tell her that it was not “my Bethany” she just saw involved in an accident. I was confused and my head started spinning. I hung up on her and immediately called “my Bethany”. I called a minimum of ten times in a row back-to-back, stalker ex-girlfriend behavior, hoping she would pick up laughing and asking me what my problem was. I didn’t have her family’s contact information. As close as we were, we weren’t family-contact close. I felt lost, useless, and pathetic not having the resources at that moment to get the answers I desperately needed during that warped time frame. I went into a frantic state of Facebook searching for her family. I found out from a post her brother had created and made public that she had passed away in a car accident. She was on her way to pick up medicine for her sick parents that night. Someone was driving in the opposite direction, drunk and hit her head-on while she was in the turning lane. She suffered. She did not die on impact. She died while she was waiting on medical care to arrive, with no-one with her but a stranger who caused her injuries. I sank. Not knowing what to do. I called and texted our boss, with no response. The next day, I forced myself to go to work (attendance policy) and was numb and on the verge of a waterfall explosion. Our HR brought in a grief counselor, but I didn’t know where to start. I couldn’t express my feelings or understand how to heal and soon found it pointless speaking with the appointed site contact, as it didn’t feel genuine. As the days passed before her service, our work team was solemn and in disbelief. We cried periodically during the work hours and tried to share stories to lift our spirits. I couldn’t speak at her funeral, not just because I was wrenched in pain, but I was also in shock and unaccepting of her being gone and couldn’t find the words to express how much she meant me. I barely spoke to her parents or her brother, I held resentment for them as well from her stories of how they treated her. I remember the stale smell of the church being masked by the aroma of a sea of flowers and the bright dark green carpet that spread throughout the church like grass. I stifled my cries through the entire ceremony but allowed a river of tears to overflow. I don’t’ remember the rest of my day after her funeral, or even how I arrived home. Afterwards, I became bitter at many co-workers that did not show up to her funeral or offer condolences to her family, especially knowing her work ethic and how she had gone out of her way to help them, especially our immediate supervisor. For years after her passing, I would walk by her desk thinking I’d share news or gossip about the latest drama in the workplace, only to tear up after remembering she wasn’t there anymore. It had become instinct. For 15 years, we had built this routine only to have it abruptly gutted. My heart would sink, and my throat would tighten every time I would pass by, and the lung-crushing reality would hit. I could not bring myself to sit next to the co-workers that shared a space with her because I couldn’t bear to be next to her desk knowing she was never coming back. I miss her fiercely, and sometimes I still long to see her coming around a corner or make Seinfeld reference about a dumb situation. I left that company at the end of 2023 and part of me was relieved that I didn’t have to walk by the ghost of her desk, yet I am still waiting to share the work drama at my new employer with her or how I have made some travel plans come to life. To this day, I wonder what kind of guilt, if any, the drunk driver has for the life they stole and the pain it continues to cause. It is never just the person involved that is impacted. It truly is a ripple effect. Just before I left that company, I met a young man who had a very difficult start to life and was going through a hard custody battle. He was making his life better day by day and I admired his determination. While he still had a long way to go, he had made strides in improving his living conditions and I was excited to see where he was headed next. The week before last, he was running late to work and was taking his two sons to his mother’s house. The company had a strict and unforgiving attendance policy and I know he was trying to beat that. He tried to pass a tractor trailer on a two-lane road right before a blind spot. He hit another car head on. The only air bag that deployed was the passenger side where his oldest son was sitting, in the front seat. The rest of the air bags were not deployed. He died on impact. His youngest son was in critical care from a fractured skull and brain bleed. We attended his funeral last week and I was angry about the situation for the poor decision making on his part, thinking if he had just left a little earlier or stayed calm behind the truck, he’d still be here, and his sons, his family, and his co-workers wouldn’t be devastated from the loss. I was also disappointed in not being able to see what he could have made of himself later in life. He had worked so hard to get where he was. Over time I have become acutely aware and try to stay as vigilant as possible while on the road. Driving is something we take for granted on an immense level and can have such a tragic impact in a split second of poor judgement.

We pace so much stock and dependence on our ability and freedom to drive, but we do not respect it enough with its ability to instantly erase us from existence. I have learned through my involvement in the safety realm that talking about our experiences and showing our vulnerability during those times, has a powerful impact and can change people’s lives. I should share more, but sometimes I am still very emotional about my experiences in loss and how much it hurts, that I choose to refrain, even though I have learned from others’ pain when they share their stories. One day I hope to channel my hesitation into passion and share more so that it might help others recognize unsafe behaviors while driving and make them take a better path. I also know that I too am guilty of rushing and can occasionally have a lead foot and can have a touch of road rage when I see some dumb actions happen with other drivers. I can create better habits, and support others in making those changes by demonstrating more patience or just accepting being late. I am in a role where I can be inspirational, and I have the opportunity to impact others. I won’t be an aggressor, but I also refuse to be a victim. I can lead by example.